Days and Nights...

Days and nights go by and all I can think about is them. 

Those kids half way across the world.

Everything I think about relates to them in some way. 

I didn’t think that it would take me this long to right this blog. I’ve been home for nearly two months I’ve brought a car and got a job. I smile. But I hurt. I hurt because I feel guilty. It’s because I know that the place I have called home for two and a half years is the place that struggles to get money to feed kids, to transport them too and from school, to give them experience and adventures that I have been fortunate to have growing up all my life. I’m grateful to my family especially to my parents for giving me these opportunities because if I didn’t I wouldn’t have had the chance to go to the places I’ve been and to meet such amazing, beautiful and intelligent kids.. 

But the thing is every thing I do or buy makes me feel awful as I’m wasting money that could be used to save a life. 

I know I probably shouldn’t think this way but I do... 

With all the things I’ve done during school and since then people say I am caring but really in reality I don’t see it like that. The things I do are simply just being kind. I’ve been given the opportunity to do things so I’m not going to say No to helping. 

However, there’s many things that I have kept from this blog. Many things that I know I am not allowed to say! Mostly for confidentiality reasons and I will obey those rules. But I want to put it out there that I’m seriously not perfect. I’m human. I’ve done things that I know have been wrong, I’ve let people down and I’ve mucked up. I’ve hurt peoples feelings without meaning too and yes maybe I talk to much at times but that is how I express my feelings. 

Every night that I go to bed I dream about them. I dream about the 25 that got adopted or went back to family’s and what there lives may look like. I dream about the 35 children and babies that are still in the place that I called home. I pray for them that they will find there special person. There mummy. There daddy. Their parents. Where they may end up in the world. I also dream about what milestones they will pass without me by there side. I miss them. There will forever be a hole in my heart. I miss there growing characters and the little things that brought joy into our days like a simple walk we made into an adventure around the property. 

I may have changed what I am doing in life by coming back to the Uk to work with elderly but honestly I left part of my heart behind with those kiddies. I smile when I think about them. When a client asks about what I used to do a billion memories flash through my head. 

The happy, hard and confusing times. 

The days where laughing was contagious, smiles where everywhere you looked and milestones where being passed by the hour. To days where children left either to be adopted, fostered or to go to the place they now call home. And then there where the days that where like rollercoasters up and down swings and roundabouts. 

The people at my work ask me if I’m going back. 95% of me says yes. Yes because I want to make sure they are all okay, happy and healthy but the other 5% is controlling me telling me No for the fact that I don’t want to ruin there lives. I don’t want to confuse them thinking I’m coming back every few months for the rest of my life. I’ve seen what that does to them and quite frankly it breaks them. I love seeing there smiles when I go back to them after being in the Uk for a while but is that doing more harm than good? 

The memories that go through my head change massively between day and night, light and dark. 

For when I’m asleep the fear creeps in... I never thought I would wake up hyperventilating but yes it happens. Not only to me but also to others I’ve known during my time abroad. I put on a brave face and act as though everything is okay. If anyone asks I’m the big brave one but inside my tummy is cramping my head is pounding and everything becomes a blur... as I’m walking back to my room at night I squint in the darkness checking the area around me ... it’s been a rough day and unimaginable things have happened... I’ve been petrified.... tears have been close to running down my face... but I’ve kept it together..... all until the walk back to my room.... they think I’m crazy because I’m okay walking back in the dark alone ... but this is where I get my time to think... I’ve seen to much to bare... and my mind is playing tricks on me.. I think that if it’s my time let them get me.... if I happen to get stopped by a bad guy I have no more fight left in me. I walk as fast as my legs could carry me back to our compound... I check around to see if anyone is there.... I thank God that nothing happened to me tonight on the small walk home... but in reality I was ready to go... my brain had given up mentally emotionally and physically exhausted... the day had been to much ... 

This happened many times during my time away but for some unknown reason God has chosen to keep me alive. I’ve kept many memories to myself about being away in a different country. It’s really not easy especially on the difficult days where nothing is going right and all you see is danger fear and darkness flash before you. 

Coming back to the Uk I thought everything would be normal in this not so normal time in the world. I thought the hyperventilating and crying would stop at night. That walking in the dark I would feel fearless. That being with family and friends I would feel at peace but honestly I am more tired than ever. My sleep has been destroyed. Everytime I close my eyes I see something from my time away. I hurt. I cry and I feel totally broken. But I carry on. I smile. For I know that I have been given the opportunity to help more people here in the Uk. I may not be where I thought I would if you asked me 4 months ago but for now it is what I am doing. I’m looking after those vulnerable in this crazy time and I will continue until God changes his plans for me.... For my life and for my future .... “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord,” plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  - Jeremiah 29:11

Nearest and Dearest!

Some days I laugh...
Some days I cry...
And other times I clench my teeth together and push through the emotional rollercoaster.

This has been the longest amount of time that I've been home in the UK within the past two years. Normally I am in and out of the country flying back to sunny South Africa, but this time it has nearly reached the three month mark. The Visa process has been far from easy and to be honest I have felt like giving up at times. But then I remember, I remember the kids and baby's who are counting on me coming back to take them on more adventures to the mall for their favourite food and activities like the jump park.

When I left Johannesburg in July I thought it was going to be easy, a quick trip back to see family then I can go back home to my babies. Oh, how I was wrong. A few hours before my flight I began saying my "see you soon's" when one of my oldest kiddies clung to me.
She looked me in the eyes and began crying.
Wow. She is smart.
She realised what was going on and wouldn't leave my side. I explained to her whilst gritting my teeth that I was going to see her again in a couple of months time.
I kissed her on the head and took her back to her caregiver.
You never know how much you love someone until its time to leave.
My heart broke in to two, as I let go of her hand to go put my suitcases in the car.

I came across this quote and it hit me! It made me think about the differences between home where I was born (UK) and home where my heart is (Johannesburg).
"One day you'll realise that material things mean nothing. All that matters is the well being of the people in your life."

The hardest thing about leaving is that you try to keep it all together for the kids and the people around you. Then when you return to your home country you try and hold it all together for your family, acting like everything is okay even though your missing the people you now call family too, half way across the world.

Culture shock seriously is a thing. Priority's are different. Lifestyle is different and the most painful thing is little comments people make about your trip abroad. I never knew how difficult it would be to sit in a room full of family trying to defend the country and the people you have stayed with for the past couple of years. As I sat there in the corner, I wanted to cry. I wanted to tell them the truth about what I have actually seen, heard and been through. But my brain froze. I smiled and carried on telling stories of my time abroad with the beautiful kiddies.
Many volunteers have asked me if I ever feel homesick, my response is "Yeah, when I'm at my house in the Uk cause I'm missing this place so much."

I left to go to TLC Children's home at the age of 17, just out of high school. Many people including family questioned me about my decision but I put my trust and faith in God and went along to the place I felt I was meant to be. I may not have degrees in medicine or technology but I do have a family that spreads all around the world. I have watched tiny little baby's grow into incredible children with great personalities, some have gone to forever families and others are still on their incredible journey's.  I have been in many situations I would never wish on anyone. My heart has been shattered and put back together again by little children coming and leaving. I have learnt that it doesn't matter if they have a new toy, but what does matter is that we have each other. Material things only last for a while, whereas love lasts a lifetime. Many of these children I have taken care of won't remember a thing about me but I will remember them, I will love them and pray for them for eternity.

In England I feel like we take everything for granted. The things we think are simple like safety and security that others pray for continuously. We forget that its a blessing to have a roof over our heads, power and electricity at the flick of a switch and running water for the times that we want to fill up that nice warm bath. During my two years abroad I have learnt not to take these things for granted.
Coming home has tested me in more ways than I can imagine. I have wanted to shut myself in my room just to avoid the things I don't want to see. I have cried myself to sleep on more occasions than you could imagine. We learn to hide our emotions to protect others but in reality we all just need to have someone to open up too. I may be between the UK and Johannesburg but this has become my way of realising how much people from different circumstances can come together to make the world a better place. It doesn't always matter about the amount of certificates or qualifications you have, what really matters is whats inside your heart. Family means Everything even if they are spread out all around the world.
To all the people I have met during my time at TLC Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. And to all the kiddies that I help to take care off I wont give up with the Visa situation I will keep fighting for it until the day I see you all again. I Love you all and miss you millions xxx

Giggles and smiles that go on for miles

90 Day Catch Up

Going back to TLC was a dream come true. 3 months of playing, singing and loving these children.
I couldn't be happier.
This time I thought I would surprise my Children, the Managers and Staff so I told them all I would be there on the 20th May but my plan was to arrive on the 2nd.
Flights booked, accommodation sorted and a exciting journey layed ahead.
My Mum and Auntie dropped my at the airport and I was off on my 11 hour flight back to sunny Johannesburg. I arrived in South Africa around 9 am and sorted transport to a friends house so that I could suprise my babies in the morning.

On the 4th of may I arrived at TLC at 6:30 am and made my way to preschool to wait for my babies. The most nervous wait of my life. Butterflies filled my stomach - Will they remember me? Will they be happy or confused? Will it be the same as before?
They normally walk down to preschool at 8am but this day felt like hours of waiting trying to keep hidden from any adults or children who walked past.

Hearing their little voices scream as they walked down to preschool was magical, something I missed whilst in the UK.
The first child to come round the corner was my baby Girl. We had a very special bond, She went wherever I did during my previous trips and she called me "her Anna." I stepped out of where I was hiding and she came running towards me! All of my children came running towards me!
They remembered me! I was so happy and excited, tears flowed down my face as their teacher walked towards me with arms wide open. I felt peaceful knowing I was back with my family, my kids and in the place I felt happiest.




I then went on to surprise all of the people who had helped me through my previous trips in the managers meeting. Lets just say they weren't expecting me to turn up to that! They loved me like one of their own, I always had someone I could talk to and they would help without any questions.
These are the people I call my South African Family.


My ninety days flew by, I helped out wherever I was needed, played with my kiddies and took them out on adventures- things that kids get to do on a weekly basis but things our kids do very rarely. This includes going to the mall, trampoline park, getting a takeaway, picking and buying new clothes and going to the Zoo.

One of my best memories of this trip was getting to stand in to do Den buddy's whilst another volunteer was sick. This meant three nights with my babies! They had been asking for weeks since I arrived if I could stay in their room again as this is what I used to do on my other trips. But I would tell them that other volunteers are really good at looking after them too and they would have so much fun with them. However, I was over the moon when the manager came to ask if I could help out, so I went and collected some of my clothes and came back ready for my few nights with them. Three afternoons, nights and mornings full of puzzles, walks, adventures, yummy snacks and hot chocolate as it was cold!! These 3 nights reminded me why I chose to stay at TLC in the first place.
Looking in to those sweet innocent eyes as I prayed and kissed them goodnight, I remembered my first few days at TLC. How scared I really was, meeting new people and looking after children I had only just met! These children let me into their lives, I may have been the adult in many situations but they sure have taught me a lot, not only about each other but about myself too.
I will always remember all the memories we've made, trust we've built between each other and how although I'm nowhere near perfect they still love me just as much as I love them.💕

Home bound...

Two weeks ago today I returned home after saying some of the hardest goodbyes of my life... I never knew leaving this time round would be so difficult and overwhelming. From the time my flight was booked to the time I left South Africa it was just over 24 hours. The Tuesday I found out I was leaving I cried many tears... I was a broken, emotional mess but I had planned to go and see my boyfriend so went ahead with the plan. We had a lovely evening watching the stars but we were broken inside knowing that tomorrow we would be apart for a long time. I spent the majority of that night sat up remembering all the wonderful experiences and memories of my time spent at TLC wishing i could stay for my full time. My goodbye to my boyfriend was difficult and fast as I climbed into the Uber to go home.  But I kept myself together and tried my hardest not to cry. My heart was shattered knowing I would have to say many more goodbyes that day.

 This was the day I would leave my home, my family and the most amazing community of people I had ever met.

I had packed my suitcase on the Saturday before whilst waiting for medical results as instructed by my mum. So I headed straight to the nursery to be with my kiddios for my last morning in South Africa. I had always planned what I would do in my last week in South Africa and all my plans where being torn apart in the 8 remaining hours I had left to spend with them. I got breakfast and ate it with baby B then walked my kiddios to preschool and watched them walk ahead as I turned towards the cottage listening to all of them scream my name...

I hesitantly took my notes of my door that previous volunteers had made as a leaving TLC tradition as a thank you to helping the children when they couldn't anymore... A flood of memories came rushing back to me; All the people I had worked beside, All the babies who had arrived and All the children who had found there forever families... I had no words... Making sure I had packed everything I took a shower and returned to the nursery to spend more time with my children... Whenever someone leaves the children understand. They become more emotional and attached in the hours before you leave and this just makes leaving so much more difficult.

By this time I had already said many goodbyes to the family and staff members who not only looked after the kids but also supported me during my time spent at TLC. Every goodbye was becoming more and more painful. Many kept reminding me its not a goodbye forever its only for now- think of it as a holiday! So I kept the tears back by attempting to smile. The hardest moments still to come...

I had said goodbye to almost everyone then headed to the carpark with my cases to say the final goodbye to the preschool kids as they came back up to the nursery and a bunch of people followed me to the car... This is where I watched my babies both confused and broken as I stepped into the buckie ... My eyes getting heavier and heavier as I left them and headed towards security. I sat and watched as the gates became further and further away with my heart in pieces and on the verge of tears ...

I had previously explained to everyone that i'm rubbish at goodbyes so I only want a few people to come to the airport and it ended up just being me and T better known as Tingiling. T had dropped me off previously when my Granddad passed away so he knew how much I struggled...

We dropped of my luggage and headed for my last dinner at Spurs before making our way to security. This is when reality began to set in. As I looked at T I could feel my voice begin to shake.. One of my hardest byes. T was close to me, We went on many car journeys during my time and spoke about everything. Not only was I leaving an amazing friend but I was also leaving a brother... We spoke about when I was returning to South Africa then he told me to listen to a specific Christian song and we said 'SEE YOU SOON' as we separated and went our different ways...

I walked into the security line looking back as tears ran down my face. I broke. My heart had finally shattered. Emotionally and physically exhausted. T doesn't know just how much that song meant to me...  I listened to it many times before I flew that night remembering all the times I had at TLC and how God had walked with me through them all...

One Month Remaining!

With only one month remaining my heart is stretched. I don't know where this year has gone and whether to be happy or sad in these moments as I look into my friends, family and kids eyes, wondering whether this would be our last times together. As other volunteers know towards the end of your time you are excited to go home and see everyone you have missed but you know at the top of your heart that you are going to miss these people a million times more. The connections you've made the trust you've built and everything in between.

My past few months haven't been the easiest I have overcome sickness (double kidney infection, tonsillitis, bronchitis, sinus infection and the normal sickness) I have learnt how to deal with the heartbreak I feel as babies leave and the overwhelming sense of happiness I hold as they fall in love with there new forever families. You could say my time here has been more than an emotional rollercoaster. We have been through so much as a team but also as a family....

Volunteers and babies leaving whilst new ones arrive, you never forget the impact each and every one of these special bonds has meant for each and every baby, child and young adult on TLC property. From the small acts of kindness to the ongoing genorosity from day volunteers to continual supporters each and every one building part of these childrens lifes. I am reminded of the African proverb  'It takes a village to raise a child' because honeslty it does. Without every single one of us being a part of these childrens lifes they would grow up with missing pieces but instead they can be loved by a family, a community, a village and even a nation. These are Our babies but they all grow up with there own beautiful personalities because they have been raised by many and taught life changing things by all.

Some of you may know I had to take a trip to hospital after finding out I had a kidney infection at the doctors. They prescribed me antibiotics but two days into the course I felt worse.. Much worse in fact but carried on going as I was starting shift in about 10 mins time. I sat on the bed and read a story to the children whilst in agony. I spent 30 mins sat with them before the pain became unbearable so I asked one of the other ladies on bears to step in for me as I crawled out of their room into the corridor - Tears streaming down my face and screaming in pain. I was vomiting white stuff where the pain was so intense. The other volunteers and one of the managers came back from an outing and realised how bad things had became so insisted I went to hospital. So they helped me to the car whilst I was shouting in pain and my boyfriend and T came with. Within seconds I was being seen too and it was confirmed my kidney infection had spread to both kidneys so I had to have bloods drawn and cannulas put in to administer the pain meds and iv antibiotics. Luckily after 4 hours I was allowed home with more pain relief but if it wasn't for my amazing friends and volunteers I wouldn't have been able to survive that night - We all need each other in the difficult times but we also need each other when life is going well.

During my 14 months at TLC I have learnt that God is with you no matter how rough your day or week is. He doesn't mind if you are stressed or over the moon, he is with you through it all. TLC has taught me to love and trust through the difficult and to work together, love and support those around you during their struggles and happy times too. Everyone needs a hug every so often even if they look like they have it all together from the outside...

The Half Way Mark!

Its crazy how fast time can fly by when your so far away from family and friends.
Here at TLC us volunteers say: Each day goes slow, Each week goes fast and Each month fly's by.
I am already past the half way point, the Hardest the Happiest and most Confusing time of my stay!

Before I left my cousin who had previously done missionary work said that the middle mark is always the hardest, but being me I counted the months and realised that it was near my birthday so completely ignored the fact that it could be pretty difficult.

Little did I know it really would be a confusing time in my stay. Part of me is ready to go home and see my family who love me so much. So i'm counting down the months, but on the other hand the other half of me is dreading going home. Leaving these babies who I now class as my kiddies.
In total during both my stays I have been here for 9 and a half months. I could tell you most things about these children: What they like/ dislike, There sleeping patterns, There cry when I am in the room next door and there favourite toy and food etc. These are the children I got ready for school everyday and waited for them to arrive back in the afternoon. Waiting patiently outside for all the hugs as they ran towards me screaming my name in there playground before dinner, bath time and the bedtime routine.

Just thinking about leaving these kids in a few months is heartbreaking. It is especially difficult to leave the older children who I have spent most of my time with. The two to ten year olds. As I know that they understand that I will be leaving soon just like all the other volunteers that come into there lives and for me that is heartbreaking.

I am currently sat in the nursery managers office at 00:46 writing this blog after a 13 hour day with 4 of the oldest children including the oldest who has cerebral palsy who is 10 years old. Today changed dramatically after planning a whole day of activities for the girls walking into the nursery at 6am. I noticed one of the younger children fidgeting in an unusual way but checked him and made my way to the bears who I was with till 7pm on the schedule. However, about 15 minutes into my shift the volunteer on meds came to give one of my children her meds when she said she thought the other child was having a seizure. I ran to where he was laying and immediately face timed the manager onsite so she could see how sick this child really was, she arrived in minutes to the room he had just fitted in. After administering the appropriate meds the manager left me with a schedule of times to give the next 3 different types of medications throughout the course of the day and night. Hence why I am sat here typing now waiting for the next medication to be needed. During this time I was also handed another sick child of the same age group who was very weak but mostly just needed more sleep than the other children so I put her back into bed and sat with her until she fell asleep. Meanwhile all the older children where being patient waiting for me to prepare breakfast before a change of plan for the day.

Just this previous month, 4 of my children have been adopted or fostered and its the most amazing thing you will ever feel whilst being the most painful all at the same time. There teacher explained it like this: At there leaving party one of my eyes will be crying happy tears for them as I know this is for the best and that they will live a wonderful life with there new parents but my other eye will cry sad tears as I remember all the memories we had together and because I will miss there little character and for all there little friends as they learn to live life without there sister and brother at TLC.

The half way mark really does show many different emotions. Each hour and day that passes you feel something different whether thats happiness, heartbreak, confusion or peacefulness as you enter the next phase of your stay. The most challenging part is looking forward to going home but wishing that you had a longer time with these children to see all of there firsts and all there milestones whether they are small or big! They are still planted into your heart as you love every child as your own even if you have stronger bonds with some you still love them all through the wonderful grace of God!!

Please by praying for all the kiddies here as they encounter a very big change with there friends leaving and other children coming up into there different age groups. It can be a very unsettling time for some and a challenge for others. Just an update: The sick children are on the mend and seem a lot happier and healthier than this Morning :)
Thank you for taking time to read this!!

Reunited with TLC!

After what felt like years I finally returned back to TLC in march.
It was a emotional journey which encountered many challenges along the way.
From my Granddad sadly passing away to saying my goodbyes to the family for a year to waking up in the place my heart wanted so badly.

My heart longed to see the babies grow and explore so much whilst I was home in the uk and returning back made my heart finally feel a sense of peace. I could breath again....

There are no words that can explain how I felt coming back to this spectacular community.
from the wonderful welcome 'home' to the hugs and kisses from all the babies when they remembered me. The overwhelming feeling of being loved made me feel a thousand times more positive about this crazy adventure I had placed myself in.

The smiles on there faces where unexplainable. All of the older kids where shocked about my return.
This is because they have grown up knowing that volunteers come into there lives and leave again a couple of months later. This is heartbreaking as you know that after they get attached to you they are waiting for the day that you leave again. So all the kids were overjoyed to know that I was staying a long time. It took them a while to figure out that I am going to be here for all of there birthdays this year!

When I left the uk I was on antibiotics this time for a throat infection.
Exhausted from the plane journey I rested in the car back knowing exactly what I was getting myself into. Working the following day from 6am to 8pm.

My first week back was chaotic...
 2 volunteers left TLC
 2 went on holiday leave with family who where visiting
 1 volunteer was sick.

The breaks we had planned out on the schedule where no longer breaks...
I ended up completing a 26 hour shift with a 15 minute break instead of a 13 hour day with a 3 hour break included because of the lack of volunteers. This 26 hour shift was a dayshift which carried on to nightshift and a small part of day shift again. It was exhausting but I managed through it.

The week I arrived started with 6am starts with 1, 5am start and between 7 and 9pm finishes.

I was in charge of 13 lions, tigers and bears all by myself 2 years old to 10 years old for Saturday and Sunday morning shift 2 hours each morning.

Then I thankfully had the lions, tigers and bears for evening routine with another volunteer.

Some volunteers don’t have a clue what to do so its sometimes easier to do it yourself then make the work twice as much.

I spoke on 4 different tours around TLC for day volunteers to explain how it started and what our role is in the nursery. This was interesting as I had no experience in this department before but I seemed to make everything clear enough for them to understand.

We had 1 nursery meeting with all the staff and volunteers going through what needs to change from the previous weeks work and the positive things also.

1 day off still taking care of the kids at different times throughout the day because of volunteer sickness, we are all on a group chat so know when our other volunteers are sick so if you are well you step up and help out where ever possible to make sure the work load doesn't become to unmanageable for everyone else.

The hardest times for us volunteers are when our babies are sick with bad coughs and wheezy breathing where they are being nebulise to sickness and diarrhoea where we are doing ten times as much wishy washy. This is a hard time as we are there 'mummy' for the time we are here and when theres not much you can do to help it breaks our hearts. 

On my first week back I:
Folded 20 mountains of laundry 

Hundreds of bottles made

Thousands of nappies changed

Many hours spent on wishy washy

Sterilising bottles, dummies, cutlery and teats

Washing bowls, cups and all other nursery things

Sorting through truck fulls of donations only to find we had no wipes so a quick trip out and 20 packs of wipes later to get us through nightshift and the morning

But most of all giving these babies the love and cuddles they deserve and need as they grow up to be amazing young children of God. 

Being able to see my babies and children grow up into wonderful people makes my heart full of happiness. At times during my first week I honestly questioned my crazy decision of staying here for a year!!! But then I thought to myself the only people these children can look too for help is us and there wide stunning smiles set my plan in stone for staying here. I will never look back through the struggles heartbreaks and happiness. I know I have made the right choice in Gods kingdom....