Nearest and Dearest!

Some days I laugh...
Some days I cry...
And other times I clench my teeth together and push through the emotional rollercoaster.

This has been the longest amount of time that I've been home in the UK within the past two years. Normally I am in and out of the country flying back to sunny South Africa, but this time it has nearly reached the three month mark. The Visa process has been far from easy and to be honest I have felt like giving up at times. But then I remember, I remember the kids and baby's who are counting on me coming back to take them on more adventures to the mall for their favourite food and activities like the jump park.

When I left Johannesburg in July I thought it was going to be easy, a quick trip back to see family then I can go back home to my babies. Oh, how I was wrong. A few hours before my flight I began saying my "see you soon's" when one of my oldest kiddies clung to me.
She looked me in the eyes and began crying.
Wow. She is smart.
She realised what was going on and wouldn't leave my side. I explained to her whilst gritting my teeth that I was going to see her again in a couple of months time.
I kissed her on the head and took her back to her caregiver.
You never know how much you love someone until its time to leave.
My heart broke in to two, as I let go of her hand to go put my suitcases in the car.

I came across this quote and it hit me! It made me think about the differences between home where I was born (UK) and home where my heart is (Johannesburg).
"One day you'll realise that material things mean nothing. All that matters is the well being of the people in your life."

The hardest thing about leaving is that you try to keep it all together for the kids and the people around you. Then when you return to your home country you try and hold it all together for your family, acting like everything is okay even though your missing the people you now call family too, half way across the world.

Culture shock seriously is a thing. Priority's are different. Lifestyle is different and the most painful thing is little comments people make about your trip abroad. I never knew how difficult it would be to sit in a room full of family trying to defend the country and the people you have stayed with for the past couple of years. As I sat there in the corner, I wanted to cry. I wanted to tell them the truth about what I have actually seen, heard and been through. But my brain froze. I smiled and carried on telling stories of my time abroad with the beautiful kiddies.
Many volunteers have asked me if I ever feel homesick, my response is "Yeah, when I'm at my house in the Uk cause I'm missing this place so much."

I left to go to TLC Children's home at the age of 17, just out of high school. Many people including family questioned me about my decision but I put my trust and faith in God and went along to the place I felt I was meant to be. I may not have degrees in medicine or technology but I do have a family that spreads all around the world. I have watched tiny little baby's grow into incredible children with great personalities, some have gone to forever families and others are still on their incredible journey's.  I have been in many situations I would never wish on anyone. My heart has been shattered and put back together again by little children coming and leaving. I have learnt that it doesn't matter if they have a new toy, but what does matter is that we have each other. Material things only last for a while, whereas love lasts a lifetime. Many of these children I have taken care of won't remember a thing about me but I will remember them, I will love them and pray for them for eternity.

In England I feel like we take everything for granted. The things we think are simple like safety and security that others pray for continuously. We forget that its a blessing to have a roof over our heads, power and electricity at the flick of a switch and running water for the times that we want to fill up that nice warm bath. During my two years abroad I have learnt not to take these things for granted.
Coming home has tested me in more ways than I can imagine. I have wanted to shut myself in my room just to avoid the things I don't want to see. I have cried myself to sleep on more occasions than you could imagine. We learn to hide our emotions to protect others but in reality we all just need to have someone to open up too. I may be between the UK and Johannesburg but this has become my way of realising how much people from different circumstances can come together to make the world a better place. It doesn't always matter about the amount of certificates or qualifications you have, what really matters is whats inside your heart. Family means Everything even if they are spread out all around the world.
To all the people I have met during my time at TLC Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. And to all the kiddies that I help to take care off I wont give up with the Visa situation I will keep fighting for it until the day I see you all again. I Love you all and miss you millions xxx

Giggles and smiles that go on for miles

90 Day Catch Up

Going back to TLC was a dream come true. 3 months of playing, singing and loving these children.
I couldn't be happier.
This time I thought I would surprise my Children, the Managers and Staff so I told them all I would be there on the 20th May but my plan was to arrive on the 2nd.
Flights booked, accommodation sorted and a exciting journey layed ahead.
My Mum and Auntie dropped my at the airport and I was off on my 11 hour flight back to sunny Johannesburg. I arrived in South Africa around 9 am and sorted transport to a friends house so that I could suprise my babies in the morning.

On the 4th of may I arrived at TLC at 6:30 am and made my way to preschool to wait for my babies. The most nervous wait of my life. Butterflies filled my stomach - Will they remember me? Will they be happy or confused? Will it be the same as before?
They normally walk down to preschool at 8am but this day felt like hours of waiting trying to keep hidden from any adults or children who walked past.

Hearing their little voices scream as they walked down to preschool was magical, something I missed whilst in the UK.
The first child to come round the corner was my baby Girl. We had a very special bond, She went wherever I did during my previous trips and she called me "her Anna." I stepped out of where I was hiding and she came running towards me! All of my children came running towards me!
They remembered me! I was so happy and excited, tears flowed down my face as their teacher walked towards me with arms wide open. I felt peaceful knowing I was back with my family, my kids and in the place I felt happiest.




I then went on to surprise all of the people who had helped me through my previous trips in the managers meeting. Lets just say they weren't expecting me to turn up to that! They loved me like one of their own, I always had someone I could talk to and they would help without any questions.
These are the people I call my South African Family.


My ninety days flew by, I helped out wherever I was needed, played with my kiddies and took them out on adventures- things that kids get to do on a weekly basis but things our kids do very rarely. This includes going to the mall, trampoline park, getting a takeaway, picking and buying new clothes and going to the Zoo.

One of my best memories of this trip was getting to stand in to do Den buddy's whilst another volunteer was sick. This meant three nights with my babies! They had been asking for weeks since I arrived if I could stay in their room again as this is what I used to do on my other trips. But I would tell them that other volunteers are really good at looking after them too and they would have so much fun with them. However, I was over the moon when the manager came to ask if I could help out, so I went and collected some of my clothes and came back ready for my few nights with them. Three afternoons, nights and mornings full of puzzles, walks, adventures, yummy snacks and hot chocolate as it was cold!! These 3 nights reminded me why I chose to stay at TLC in the first place.
Looking in to those sweet innocent eyes as I prayed and kissed them goodnight, I remembered my first few days at TLC. How scared I really was, meeting new people and looking after children I had only just met! These children let me into their lives, I may have been the adult in many situations but they sure have taught me a lot, not only about each other but about myself too.
I will always remember all the memories we've made, trust we've built between each other and how although I'm nowhere near perfect they still love me just as much as I love them.💕

Home bound...

Two weeks ago today I returned home after saying some of the hardest goodbyes of my life... I never knew leaving this time round would be so difficult and overwhelming. From the time my flight was booked to the time I left South Africa it was just over 24 hours. The Tuesday I found out I was leaving I cried many tears... I was a broken, emotional mess but I had planned to go and see my boyfriend so went ahead with the plan. We had a lovely evening watching the stars but we were broken inside knowing that tomorrow we would be apart for a long time. I spent the majority of that night sat up remembering all the wonderful experiences and memories of my time spent at TLC wishing i could stay for my full time. My goodbye to my boyfriend was difficult and fast as I climbed into the Uber to go home.  But I kept myself together and tried my hardest not to cry. My heart was shattered knowing I would have to say many more goodbyes that day.

 This was the day I would leave my home, my family and the most amazing community of people I had ever met.

I had packed my suitcase on the Saturday before whilst waiting for medical results as instructed by my mum. So I headed straight to the nursery to be with my kiddios for my last morning in South Africa. I had always planned what I would do in my last week in South Africa and all my plans where being torn apart in the 8 remaining hours I had left to spend with them. I got breakfast and ate it with baby B then walked my kiddios to preschool and watched them walk ahead as I turned towards the cottage listening to all of them scream my name...

I hesitantly took my notes of my door that previous volunteers had made as a leaving TLC tradition as a thank you to helping the children when they couldn't anymore... A flood of memories came rushing back to me; All the people I had worked beside, All the babies who had arrived and All the children who had found there forever families... I had no words... Making sure I had packed everything I took a shower and returned to the nursery to spend more time with my children... Whenever someone leaves the children understand. They become more emotional and attached in the hours before you leave and this just makes leaving so much more difficult.

By this time I had already said many goodbyes to the family and staff members who not only looked after the kids but also supported me during my time spent at TLC. Every goodbye was becoming more and more painful. Many kept reminding me its not a goodbye forever its only for now- think of it as a holiday! So I kept the tears back by attempting to smile. The hardest moments still to come...

I had said goodbye to almost everyone then headed to the carpark with my cases to say the final goodbye to the preschool kids as they came back up to the nursery and a bunch of people followed me to the car... This is where I watched my babies both confused and broken as I stepped into the buckie ... My eyes getting heavier and heavier as I left them and headed towards security. I sat and watched as the gates became further and further away with my heart in pieces and on the verge of tears ...

I had previously explained to everyone that i'm rubbish at goodbyes so I only want a few people to come to the airport and it ended up just being me and T better known as Tingiling. T had dropped me off previously when my Granddad passed away so he knew how much I struggled...

We dropped of my luggage and headed for my last dinner at Spurs before making our way to security. This is when reality began to set in. As I looked at T I could feel my voice begin to shake.. One of my hardest byes. T was close to me, We went on many car journeys during my time and spoke about everything. Not only was I leaving an amazing friend but I was also leaving a brother... We spoke about when I was returning to South Africa then he told me to listen to a specific Christian song and we said 'SEE YOU SOON' as we separated and went our different ways...

I walked into the security line looking back as tears ran down my face. I broke. My heart had finally shattered. Emotionally and physically exhausted. T doesn't know just how much that song meant to me...  I listened to it many times before I flew that night remembering all the times I had at TLC and how God had walked with me through them all...

One Month Remaining!

With only one month remaining my heart is stretched. I don't know where this year has gone and whether to be happy or sad in these moments as I look into my friends, family and kids eyes, wondering whether this would be our last times together. As other volunteers know towards the end of your time you are excited to go home and see everyone you have missed but you know at the top of your heart that you are going to miss these people a million times more. The connections you've made the trust you've built and everything in between.

My past few months haven't been the easiest I have overcome sickness (double kidney infection, tonsillitis, bronchitis, sinus infection and the normal sickness) I have learnt how to deal with the heartbreak I feel as babies leave and the overwhelming sense of happiness I hold as they fall in love with there new forever families. You could say my time here has been more than an emotional rollercoaster. We have been through so much as a team but also as a family....

Volunteers and babies leaving whilst new ones arrive, you never forget the impact each and every one of these special bonds has meant for each and every baby, child and young adult on TLC property. From the small acts of kindness to the ongoing genorosity from day volunteers to continual supporters each and every one building part of these childrens lifes. I am reminded of the African proverb  'It takes a village to raise a child' because honeslty it does. Without every single one of us being a part of these childrens lifes they would grow up with missing pieces but instead they can be loved by a family, a community, a village and even a nation. These are Our babies but they all grow up with there own beautiful personalities because they have been raised by many and taught life changing things by all.

Some of you may know I had to take a trip to hospital after finding out I had a kidney infection at the doctors. They prescribed me antibiotics but two days into the course I felt worse.. Much worse in fact but carried on going as I was starting shift in about 10 mins time. I sat on the bed and read a story to the children whilst in agony. I spent 30 mins sat with them before the pain became unbearable so I asked one of the other ladies on bears to step in for me as I crawled out of their room into the corridor - Tears streaming down my face and screaming in pain. I was vomiting white stuff where the pain was so intense. The other volunteers and one of the managers came back from an outing and realised how bad things had became so insisted I went to hospital. So they helped me to the car whilst I was shouting in pain and my boyfriend and T came with. Within seconds I was being seen too and it was confirmed my kidney infection had spread to both kidneys so I had to have bloods drawn and cannulas put in to administer the pain meds and iv antibiotics. Luckily after 4 hours I was allowed home with more pain relief but if it wasn't for my amazing friends and volunteers I wouldn't have been able to survive that night - We all need each other in the difficult times but we also need each other when life is going well.

During my 14 months at TLC I have learnt that God is with you no matter how rough your day or week is. He doesn't mind if you are stressed or over the moon, he is with you through it all. TLC has taught me to love and trust through the difficult and to work together, love and support those around you during their struggles and happy times too. Everyone needs a hug every so often even if they look like they have it all together from the outside...