Days and nights go by and all I can think about is them.
Those kids half way across the world.
Everything I think about relates to them in some way.
I didn’t think that it would take me this long to right this blog. I’ve been home for nearly two months I’ve brought a car and got a job. I smile. But I hurt. I hurt because I feel guilty. It’s because I know that the place I have called home for two and a half years is the place that struggles to get money to feed kids, to transport them too and from school, to give them experience and adventures that I have been fortunate to have growing up all my life. I’m grateful to my family especially to my parents for giving me these opportunities because if I didn’t I wouldn’t have had the chance to go to the places I’ve been and to meet such amazing, beautiful and intelligent kids..
But the thing is every thing I do or buy makes me feel awful as I’m wasting money that could be used to save a life.
I know I probably shouldn’t think this way but I do...
With all the things I’ve done during school and since then people say I am caring but really in reality I don’t see it like that. The things I do are simply just being kind. I’ve been given the opportunity to do things so I’m not going to say No to helping.
However, there’s many things that I have kept from this blog. Many things that I know I am not allowed to say! Mostly for confidentiality reasons and I will obey those rules. But I want to put it out there that I’m seriously not perfect. I’m human. I’ve done things that I know have been wrong, I’ve let people down and I’ve mucked up. I’ve hurt peoples feelings without meaning too and yes maybe I talk to much at times but that is how I express my feelings.
Every night that I go to bed I dream about them. I dream about the 25 that got adopted or went back to family’s and what there lives may look like. I dream about the 35 children and babies that are still in the place that I called home. I pray for them that they will find there special person. There mummy. There daddy. Their parents. Where they may end up in the world. I also dream about what milestones they will pass without me by there side. I miss them. There will forever be a hole in my heart. I miss there growing characters and the little things that brought joy into our days like a simple walk we made into an adventure around the property.
I may have changed what I am doing in life by coming back to the Uk to work with elderly but honestly I left part of my heart behind with those kiddies. I smile when I think about them. When a client asks about what I used to do a billion memories flash through my head.
The happy, hard and confusing times.
The days where laughing was contagious, smiles where everywhere you looked and milestones where being passed by the hour. To days where children left either to be adopted, fostered or to go to the place they now call home. And then there where the days that where like rollercoasters up and down swings and roundabouts.
The people at my work ask me if I’m going back. 95% of me says yes. Yes because I want to make sure they are all okay, happy and healthy but the other 5% is controlling me telling me No for the fact that I don’t want to ruin there lives. I don’t want to confuse them thinking I’m coming back every few months for the rest of my life. I’ve seen what that does to them and quite frankly it breaks them. I love seeing there smiles when I go back to them after being in the Uk for a while but is that doing more harm than good?
The memories that go through my head change massively between day and night, light and dark.
For when I’m asleep the fear creeps in... I never thought I would wake up hyperventilating but yes it happens. Not only to me but also to others I’ve known during my time abroad. I put on a brave face and act as though everything is okay. If anyone asks I’m the big brave one but inside my tummy is cramping my head is pounding and everything becomes a blur... as I’m walking back to my room at night I squint in the darkness checking the area around me ... it’s been a rough day and unimaginable things have happened... I’ve been petrified.... tears have been close to running down my face... but I’ve kept it together..... all until the walk back to my room.... they think I’m crazy because I’m okay walking back in the dark alone ... but this is where I get my time to think... I’ve seen to much to bare... and my mind is playing tricks on me.. I think that if it’s my time let them get me.... if I happen to get stopped by a bad guy I have no more fight left in me. I walk as fast as my legs could carry me back to our compound... I check around to see if anyone is there.... I thank God that nothing happened to me tonight on the small walk home... but in reality I was ready to go... my brain had given up mentally emotionally and physically exhausted... the day had been to much ...
This happened many times during my time away but for some unknown reason God has chosen to keep me alive. I’ve kept many memories to myself about being away in a different country. It’s really not easy especially on the difficult days where nothing is going right and all you see is danger fear and darkness flash before you.
Coming back to the Uk I thought everything would be normal in this not so normal time in the world. I thought the hyperventilating and crying would stop at night. That walking in the dark I would feel fearless. That being with family and friends I would feel at peace but honestly I am more tired than ever. My sleep has been destroyed. Everytime I close my eyes I see something from my time away. I hurt. I cry and I feel totally broken. But I carry on. I smile. For I know that I have been given the opportunity to help more people here in the Uk. I may not be where I thought I would if you asked me 4 months ago but for now it is what I am doing. I’m looking after those vulnerable in this crazy time and I will continue until God changes his plans for me.... For my life and for my future .... “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord,” plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” - Jeremiah 29:11